April 12, 2010
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Neglect. Well that could pretty much sum up a lot of things don’t you think? I’ve been going into a bit of a reflection time and started to really focus on myself. I began to think of my life and just see it from the third perspective. In short, I don’t really like what I saw.
The physical aspect of it. I browsed through some old photos of me and I was lean, I looked young. I went to the mirror and snapped a picture of myself and really looked. I’m out of shape. I’m getting a gut. I always wondered why my father got bigger. Now I know why, he got lazy and stopped caring, you don’t notice prgression when you see yourself everyday. I’m not happy with my body right now and I intend to look better for me. I plan on getting into running tomorrow morning, no jokes. My teeth. I’ve lost a bunch of teeth to neglect and miscare. I never floss and I rarely brush. Even now, I haven’t brushed since Friday afternoon. It’s late Sunday now. On Monday, I’m going to a denturist and I’m getting them fixed. I hide my mouth from everyone, I don’t ennouciate, I don’t express myself when I could be.
Life really hits home sometimes when you’re curious. After things had ended with the girl, I messaged my exs brother to ask how she was doing. As I waited for the response, I creeped her facebook page to find a few things. A picture of her and a male, and fans of a couple pages, the wedding shoppe, and another wedding page.
My heart sank.
Her brother replied a couple days later. He never got into specifics but he did tell me she had a good job, she’s really happy and doing very well. Things are going good for her. I wanted to reply. I want to reply. But with what? I hurt that woman so much and so bad, how could I when she’s happy? That’s all I’ve ever wanted her to be.
I nearly sent her a message letting her know that I care about her I’m glad that she was doing well. But I couldn’t. It wasn’t because I was scared this time, it was because I felt inadequate. To me it’d be like bringing the plague to her. I need to fix me before I consider something like that. Then I thought to myself I need to fix me before I even think about dating anyone.
Letting someone go is painful. It’s the hardest thing to do. It’s the most necessary thing to do and it’s killing me.